Trains, Planes and… well, just trains.

This post is about trains.  For any readers living in LA- a train is a marvelous new device designed for mass transportation.   Mass transportation is… actually, just go ahead and refer to them in your heads as “not-cars”.  It’ll be easier that way.

Anyway, as remarkable as the not-car system in Chicago is, I’ve just been plain unlucky.  Twice, now, I’ve been on trains where people have vomited.  On the train.  All over the train.

I have friends who have lived in this city for years and never once seen this happen.  I know people who haven’t even heard of this happening.  But I’ve been 5 feet away from people upchucking on a crowded train.  Twice.

What.  The.  Fuck.

If this is some convoluted scheme to get me to think twice before binge-drinking, congratulations.  You win.  After seeing/hearing/smelling literally liters of vomit, sprayed everywhere from the puker’s hair and clothes to the seat across the aisle, I’m never drinking before getting on a train again.  Or at least I’ll try not to think about it when I am drinking.  Or maybe I’ll just make an effort to vomit somewhere safe, like a street corner or someone’s front porch.

Neighborhoods

So Chicago is divided up in to different neighborhoods, and after being here for about a month, I feel perfectly qualified to give a brief explanation of where their names come from.

Andersonville- Clearly named for Anderson Cooper, hottest of the gray-haired TV reporters.

Uptown- Apparently named as a cruelly ironic reference to what “uptown” means in every other city.  Billy Joel wouldn’t have been able to write “Uptown Girl” if he lived in Chicago.

Edgewater- It’s on the edge of the water.

Lakeview- Has a view of the lake.  Not sure how, since it’s clearly not on the edge of the water.  Maybe you have to live in a high-rise.

Logan Square- Named for Richard Logan.  Richard Logan would be identified as the founder of the hipster movement.  If any hipsters had the motivation and drive to make a Wikipedia page.

Lincoln Square- I guess this is named for the guy who made Lincoln Logs?

Lincoln Park- Ok, Lincoln Logs are cool, but this guy really doesn’t need two neighborhoods named after him.

Rogers Park- Named for Mr. Rogers.  Only part of the city that Rahm Emanuel has no control over, as this part of the city seceded and set up a new colony, under the rule of the tyrannical King Friday.

Wrigleyville- Named for John Wrigley.  Not the guy who made the gum.  A visionary man who figured out that frat parties really don’t have to stop just because you’ve graduated.

Boystown- No Gurlz Alowd.

Buena Park- Part of a new initiative by the City Council to make sure that Spanish-speakers know that at least one park in this city is good.

The South Side- All this is based on third-party descriptions.  The South Side is a vast, war-torn no-man’s-land, where the people who haven’t died from radiation poisoning viciously fight one another in the streets for food and water.  A godforsaken wasteland.  Never, ever go here.