Neighborhoods

So Chicago is divided up in to different neighborhoods, and after being here for about a month, I feel perfectly qualified to give a brief explanation of where their names come from.

Andersonville- Clearly named for Anderson Cooper, hottest of the gray-haired TV reporters.

Uptown- Apparently named as a cruelly ironic reference to what “uptown” means in every other city.  Billy Joel wouldn’t have been able to write “Uptown Girl” if he lived in Chicago.

Edgewater- It’s on the edge of the water.

Lakeview- Has a view of the lake.  Not sure how, since it’s clearly not on the edge of the water.  Maybe you have to live in a high-rise.

Logan Square- Named for Richard Logan.  Richard Logan would be identified as the founder of the hipster movement.  If any hipsters had the motivation and drive to make a Wikipedia page.

Lincoln Square- I guess this is named for the guy who made Lincoln Logs?

Lincoln Park- Ok, Lincoln Logs are cool, but this guy really doesn’t need two neighborhoods named after him.

Rogers Park- Named for Mr. Rogers.  Only part of the city that Rahm Emanuel has no control over, as this part of the city seceded and set up a new colony, under the rule of the tyrannical King Friday.

Wrigleyville- Named for John Wrigley.  Not the guy who made the gum.  A visionary man who figured out that frat parties really don’t have to stop just because you’ve graduated.

Boystown- No Gurlz Alowd.

Buena Park- Part of a new initiative by the City Council to make sure that Spanish-speakers know that at least one park in this city is good.

The South Side- All this is based on third-party descriptions.  The South Side is a vast, war-torn no-man’s-land, where the people who haven’t died from radiation poisoning viciously fight one another in the streets for food and water.  A godforsaken wasteland.  Never, ever go here.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s